Dating, Marriage & Divorce Rules for Jehovah's Witnesses
From a first date to a final divorce decree, the romantic life of a Jehovah's Witness is governed by an unusually detailed and rigid set of rules. A Witness may date only a fellow baptized believer, may do so only "with a view to marriage," and is counseled to avoid being alone, to use chaperones, and to limit displays of affection. For decades the organization openly discouraged its members from marrying or having children at all, on the grounds that Armageddon was imminent — even as it acknowledged the apostle Paul's principle that it is "better to marry than to burn." Most consequentially, the Watchtower teaches that only adultery (Greek porneia) provides a scriptural basis for divorce-and-remarriage. Abuse, abandonment, and willful nonsupport may justify a separation, but a separated Witness who remarries is judged an adulterer and disfellowshipped. This article documents these teachings from the Watchtower's own publications and the confidential elders' manual.
Overview: Marriage as a Congregational Matter
For Jehovah's Witnesses, marriage is not a private affair between two people. It is a spiritual and congregational matter regulated by Watchtower doctrine and, ultimately, enforceable through judicial committees and disfellowshipping. The organization presents its rules as direct applications of Bible texts — chiefly 1 Corinthians 7, Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, and 2 Corinthians 6:14 — but the interpretation of those texts, and the disciplinary machinery behind them, are distinctly Watchtower products.
The practical result is a tightly bounded system: whom you may date is restricted, how you may date is restricted, whether you should marry at all has at times been discouraged, and whether you may ever leave or remarry is the most restricted of all. For a Witness, the cost of stepping outside these boundaries is not merely social disapproval but the loss of one's entire community through disfellowshipping.
Dating "Only in the Lord"
The first rule of Witness romance is that a baptized member may court only another baptized member. This is drawn from the apostle Paul's instruction that a widow is free to remarry "only in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:39) and his warning against being "unevenly yoked with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Watchtower publications interpret "in the Lord" narrowly: it means a fellow dedicated, baptized Witness in good standing. The March 15, 2015 Watchtower, in an article titled "Marry 'Only in the Lord'—Still Realistic?", instructs single Witnesses that the Bible directs them to marry "only someone who is dedicated and baptized and who lives by Jehovah's standards."[1] Even a person actively studying the Bible but not yet baptized is off-limits as a romantic prospect; a 2004 Questions From Readers warned that pursuing such a Bible student could "confuse" the student's motives for studying, so courtship must wait until after baptism.[2]
A Witness who dates or marries a "worldly" person — anyone outside the faith — has not committed a disfellowshipping offense, but is subject to "loss of privileges," counsel from elders, and being held up implicitly as a negative example. The social pressure is considerable, and the pool of acceptable partners is correspondingly small.
Dating Only "With a View to Marriage"
The second rule is that dating exists for one purpose only: to evaluate a prospective spouse. Recreational or casual dating is condemned. As Watchtower literature for youth puts it, "When single people have the proper viewpoint, they will not date someone they have no intention of marrying."[3] Courtship is therefore reserved for those of "marriageable age" who are realistically able to marry in the near future; teenagers and others not ready for marriage are counseled that they are not yet in a position to be dating at all.[3]
Chaperones and "Displays of Affection"
The third rule governs conduct. Couples are urged to avoid being alone together and to date in groups or in the presence of a chaperone. The organization's youth literature notes that in some cultures "a young man is allowed to be with a young girl only when at least one of the parents, or some other older person, is present," and recommends that even where local custom is more relaxed, "couples can avoid much trouble by dating in the company of a wholesome group or a suitable chaperone."[3] The May 2024 Watchtower study article "How to Have a Successful Courtship" likewise advises couples to "avoid immoral conversations, being alone together," to inform "certain family members, mature friends, or Christian elders," and to arrange to meet at others' homes so they are together "but not secluded."[4]
Physical affection is sharply limited. The Watchtower acknowledges that "the Bible doesn't condemn legitimate, clean expressions of affection," but warns that "kissing can be done in a way that stirs passion to the point that a couple are deeply aroused sexually," and that "displays of affection can also easily escalate and lead to misconduct."[4][5] Couples are urged to set strict physical limits early and to remember that "if your passions are aroused, you will likely find it hard to think objectively."[4] Premarital sexual relations — and even heavy "petting" — constitute porneia, a disfellowshipping offense.
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One of the more striking historical patterns is the organization's repeated discouragement of marriage and childbearing during periods of heightened apocalyptic expectation. This stands in tension with the Bible's own concession, in 1 Corinthians 7:9, that "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" — a text the Watchtower itself cites but has at times effectively overridden by counseling members to remain single until after Armageddon.
The most explicit examples come from the late 1930s, when the organization expected the end imminently. The 1938 book Face the Facts told members:
"Those Jonadabs who now contemplate marriage, it would seem, would do better if they wait a few years, until the fiery storm of Armageddon is gone."[6]The November 1, 1938 Watchtower added that Jesus' words "definitely seem to discourage the bearing of children immediately before or during Armageddon."[7] The 1941 book Children told its young readers that, regarding marriage and childbearing before the end, "the admonition or advice of the scriptures appears to be against it."[8] A few years earlier, The Golden Age had stated that "God's consecrated people do well to refrain from marriage unless they find themselves continually tormented with desire for sexual intercourse" — a stark, if backhanded, nod to the "better to marry than to burn" principle.[9]
The pattern recurred in the 1970s and 1980s, when the organization taught that Armageddon would likely arrive within the lifetime of the generation that saw 1914. The November 8, 1974 Awake! noted approvingly that the nearness of the end was "a major factor in influencing many couples to decide not to have children at this time," so as to be unencumbered for the preaching work.[10] The March 1, 1988 Watchtower reinforced the urgency: "Now, as never before, 'the time left is reduced.' Yes, only a limited time remains for Jehovah's people to finish the work he has given them to do."[11]
Many Witnesses heeded this counsel, postponing marriage, forgoing children, or choosing sterilization in the expectation that the old world would end within a few years. The predicted end did not come, and a generation of members reached middle age having made irreversible life decisions on the basis of dates and expectations the organization later abandoned. The Watchtower has never issued a formal apology for this counsel, generally framing it as the well-meaning "expectation" of eager members rather than direction from the organization.
Grounds for Divorce: Adultery Alone
The Watchtower's marriage doctrine is most consequential at its end. The organization teaches that the only scriptural basis for divorce that frees a person to remarry is porneia — sexual immorality — on the part of one's spouse. This rests on Jesus' words at Matthew 19:9: "Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, and marries another commits adultery."
In Watchtower usage, porneia is defined broadly to cover adultery, homosexual acts, bestiality, and other "gross sexual immorality" — but it does not include emotional infidelity, pornography use, or non-sexual cruelty.[12] The confidential elders' manual Shepherd the Flock of God sets out three conditions that must all be met before a Witness is considered "scripturally free" to divorce and remarry: (1) actual sexual immorality (porneia) has occurred; (2) the innocent mate has chosen not to forgive, that is, refuses to resume sexual relations; and (3) a legal divorce has been finalized.[13]
Crucially, the "innocent" mate forfeits the right to remarry if he or she chooses to resume sexual relations with the guilty spouse after learning of the adultery — this is taken as forgiveness, which cancels the scriptural grounds. The decision to "forgive" therefore carries permanent legal-spiritual weight within the congregation.
Separation Without Remarriage: Abuse and Abandonment
Where there is no adultery, the Witness has no scriptural ground for divorce-and-remarriage — no matter how severe the marital situation. Watchtower literature does recognize three circumstances in which a Christian may separate from a spouse, but is emphatic that separation in these cases does not free anyone to remarry. The 2008 book Keep Yourself in God's Love lists them as:
- Willful nonsupport — a spouse who refuses to provide for the family;
- Extreme physical abuse — violence that endangers health and life;
- Absolute endangerment of spiritual life — a spouse who makes it impossible to continue serving Jehovah.[14]
In practice, this means that a Witness fleeing a violent or abusive spouse remains married for life in the eyes of the congregation. He or she may physically leave, but may never form a new marriage without committing what the organization classifies as adultery — unless and until the abusive partner happens to commit porneia or dies.
Documented Harm: Trapping Members in Abusive Marriages
Critics and former members argue that this framework can trap victims in dangerous homes. While the Watchtower's official position is that "the Bible does not oblige a battered wife to stay with a man who jeopardizes her health and perhaps her very life," its broader literature has historically applied heavy social pressure in the opposite direction. Articles have praised wives who remained with abusive, unbelieving husbands in the hope of winning them over through submissive conduct — invoking the counsel of 1 Peter 3:1 — and held such endurance up as a faith-affirming example.[16]
The combined message — you may separate only in critical cases, you may never remarry, and faithful sisters endure — creates strong incentives to remain. Because the only exit that permits a new marriage is the spouse's adultery, some abused members have reported feeling that escape is effectively impossible without sacrificing any prospect of a future family or facing congregational scrutiny over whether their situation was truly "critical." Independent inquiries into religious institutions, including the Australian Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, have documented how the organization's internal handling of family and abuse matters has prioritized congregational procedure over the safety and autonomy of vulnerable members.[17]
Judicial Handling and Disfellowshipping
Because marriage is a congregational matter, allegations of adultery and questions of remarriage are adjudicated by elders, not left to the individual conscience.
When a Witness accuses a spouse of adultery and wishes to establish "freedom to remarry," Shepherd the Flock of God directs that the matter be referred to the body of elders. The accuser is not considered free to divorce-and-remarry unless the evidence of porneia is strong enough to warrant forming a judicial committee against the guilty party.[13] In other words, elders must be satisfied that adultery actually occurred — often requiring confession or the Scriptural "two witnesses" — before a member is regarded as free. A spouse's mere admission of unfaithfulness, or a civil court's findings, do not automatically settle the question in the congregation's eyes.
The most serious consequence falls on those who divorce and remarry without scriptural grounds. The elders' manual is explicit: "A person who is divorced but who is not Scripturally free to remarry enters an adulterous marriage if he marries again; he will also be disfellowshipped from the Christian congregation."[13] The new marriage is treated as ongoing adultery. To be reinstated, the disfellowshipped person is generally expected to demonstrate repentance — yet because the "adultery" is the new marriage itself, repentance is complicated: the organization does not require dissolving the second marriage, but does require that the person cease the conduct that led to disfellowshipping and show genuine contrition over time before a committee.
This is the enforcement mechanism that gives the entire doctrine its teeth. A Witness who concludes, in conscience, that an abusive or loveless marriage should end, and who then builds a new life with someone else, is not merely counseled against it — he or she is expelled from the congregation, shunned by believing family and friends, and treated as spiritually dead unless and until reinstated.
Conclusion
The Watchtower's teachings on courtship, marriage, and divorce form a closed system. Entry is restricted to fellow baptized Witnesses; conduct during courtship is closely policed; the decision to marry at all has historically been discouraged in the name of an ever-imminent end; and the exit is narrowed to a single scriptural door — the spouse's sexual immorality. Abuse, abandonment, and emotional devastation may, at most, justify a lifelong separation with no right to love again. For members raised inside the organization, these are not abstract rules but the architecture of their most intimate decisions — backed, at every turn, by the threat of disfellowshipping and the loss of everyone they know.
See Also
- The Complete List of Jehovah's Witness Rules & Prohibitions
- Why Jehovah's Witnesses Reject Holidays & Celebrations
- Bethel Life & Volunteer Labor
- Convention & Assembly Culture
- Daily Life, Culture & Restrictions
- Men's Roles, Expectations & the Elder Burden
References
1. ↩ The Watchtower, March 15, 2015, "Marry 'Only in the Lord'—Still Realistic?" [wol.jw.org]
2. ↩ The Watchtower, "Questions From Readers" (on dating a Bible student before baptism). [wol.jw.org]
3. ↩ Your Youth—Getting the Best out of It (Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society), "Dating and Courtship." [jw.org]
4. ↩ The Watchtower (Study Edition), May 2024, "How to Have a Successful Courtship." [jw.org]
5. ↩ The Watchtower, "How Far Is Too Far?" (on kissing, passion, and displays of affection). [wol.jw.org]
6. ↩ Face the Facts (Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society, 1938), p. 50. See compiled quotations at [jwfacts.com]
7. ↩ The Watchtower, November 1, 1938, p. 324. [jwfacts.com]
8. ↩ Children (Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society, 1941), 3,000,000 ed., pp. 312–313. [jwfacts.com]
9. ↩ The Golden Age, January 27, 1937, "That Delusion Called Love." [jwfacts.com]
10. ↩ Awake!, November 8, 1974, p. 11. [jwfacts.com]
11. ↩ The Watchtower, March 1, 1988, p. 19. [jwfacts.com]
12. ↩ Insight on the Scriptures, "Adultery" (definition and scope of porneia). [jw.org]
13. ↩ "Shepherd the Flock of God"—1 Peter 5:2 (confidential elders' manual), chapters on divorce, remarriage, and judicial committees. [abuseincare.org.nz]; analysis at [jwfacts.com]
14. ↩ Keep Yourself in God's Love (Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society, 2008), ch. 13, pp. 219–221. [jwfacts.com]
15. ↩ The Watchtower, September 15, 1965, p. 555. [jwfacts.com]
16. ↩ Analysis of Watchtower counsel on domestic abuse and 1 Peter 3:1, including praise of wives who remain with abusive unbelieving husbands. [jwfacts.com]
17. ↩ Australian Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, Case Study 29 (Jehovah's Witnesses), Report (2016). [childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au]
